An anonymous transmission
The sun was setting on the hottest March 14th yet in Austin, TX. Tesla representatives and a live Doge assembled in the Red River entertainment district to peddle their wares: efficiency worksheets and semen samples from the Big Boss himself. Passersby were offered the chance to charge their Tesla Trucks for free on the city’s dime, though relatively few took up the loose electrical wire.
The Tesla Reps and their Doge relocated to the Joe Rogan owned Comedy Mothership. Once a historic movie theater and punk venue, the Mothership now boasts facial recognition and phone confiscations all to ensure the survival of endangered anti-woke comedy. The Mothership also hosts a pallet of the Master’s Seed, left over from Elon’s last Rogan deposit! Doge and Tesla’s minions did their part to redistribute this slightly fresh load to Austin’s masses! They couldn’t give it away!
The Reps met their match, a lone demonstrator claiming a recent firing in Elon’s purges. Lo and behold, the firee was recognized as a local Musk worshipping provocateur! Though on the same side, this now-legal comedian refused to accept offerings of a free curbside neuralink installation and StarSeed Sample. His loss.
The Sun long since set, the Tesla reps and Doge pushed product along East sixth street. South by Southwest revelers and Frat boys out for a Friday lovingly received the gentle prick and push of the Neuralinks, sweetened by the siren song of “free weed”.
With that, the Tesla Reps returned to their gigafactory pods. The gentle Doge fulfilled his evening’s mission of retrieving the last of Elon’s StarSeed Stem Cell samples for Neuralink CEO Shivon Zillis, holed away in her west Austin mansion, calmly awaiting her nightly IVF orgy.
Overall, a highly normal night out in the Violet Crown, Austin TX.
Depose Doge
DOGE aims to cut federal spending in the name of efficiency. Efficiency is one of those sneaky words that lets people nod in agreement while imagining different utopias. For them, efficiency is about maximizing productivity and minimizing cost. Capitalist efficiency means: leaving hundreds of thousands jobless and subjecting the ones left to ungodly standards of productivity, constant surveillance, and toxic startup culture (teens in Silicon Valley commit suicide in droves). But we believe in efficiency too. For us, efficiency means less time spent working and more time spent living meaningfully with our families, friends, loved ones.
Capitalist efficiency is a numbers game. But their numbers don’t add up: the government isn’t getting cheaper. Sure, it’s ditching regulatory bodies that keep companies from poisoning the groundwater and strip mining national forests. It’s jeopardizing care for the people traumatized fighting its wars. But it’s got a white knuckled grip on the most expensive project: its monopoly on violence. The Parks department got three billion in 2024. Defense (untouched by doge, obviously free of fraud and corruption) got three thousand billion. Firing ticket takers in Glacier isn’t lowering anybody’s taxes.
The army, the police, ICE: Musk, Trump and their enablers don’t want a “small government.” They want a strong government. One that gives free rein to corporations and brings the hammer down on anyone who would get in the way of the established balance of power. With a truly small government, big businesses would never get away with poisoning the rivers. Their headquarters would burn.
Regulatory bodies have never been a match for oil and gas companies. DEI is a joke next to racist policing. All doge is doing is removing the emperor’s clothes. Our best hope is that with these pretend safeguards gone, we are faced with the realization that they were never going to protect us, and we must take measures to protect ourselves.
Maybe you’ve heard whispers of ‘feudalism’ or ‘technofeudalism’. What does this actually mean? It means power (technology) is concentrated in the hands of a few who claim to be trustworthy and who promise to act in our best interests. It only takes one look down a school hallway at hundreds of kids shuffling in silence with eyes on to their phones, to know techno-feudalism is not in our future and that it does not serve our interests.
Are we anti-technology? No. The printing press was great. We fucking love books. The British East India Trading Company using the printing press to circulate propaganda about the colonial empire? Far less great. It’s not the technology. It’s who controls it. As long as we accept the lie that they are creating a better world for all of us, the technological aristocracy will keep making the world better for themselves.
Trump got convicted by the highest court in the land and still he’s holding court with world powers. Musk has been a public joke as long as he’s been in the public eye and he made his way to presidential sugar daddy. They are immune to public outrage. Twitter takedowns and yard signs won’t hurt their feelings. Their power comes from their infrastructure and the value of their stock.
Around the country, people have taken to damaging Teslas. Their owners must be relieved to cash in the insurance for something less embarrassing. We know the administration are scared because they have labeled these demonstrations of our collective power to root out fraud and corruption “terrorism”. But we know who the terrorists are. And if the law does not stop those who really strike fear into our hearts, then we will.
Tonight at some SXSW product partnership party, a Hollywood exec, a startup CEO, and a weapons manufacturer will walk into a bar. And stand there. And stand there. Staring at the ground, clutching sweaty cocktails in plastic cups, shifting their weight awkwardly to bad EDM music, failing to think of anything to say besides “so where are you from?”, failing to think of anything at all until, too drunk to call an uber, they stagger back to their separate AirBnBs and doomscroll through the festival hashtag under the covers in the dark. The lameness of their parties is proof enough they don’t know what’s best for us.
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